The Lord will make me stand

Last night I read a blog I follow. She described a recurring "anxiety dream" she has. It was so similar to one I have periodically, that I had to laugh.

In my recurring dream, or I should say, nightmare, I was a student approaching finals week. I suddenly realized, in the dream, that I was completely unprepared. Unlike my real life student self (when I was one that is) I had apparently spent the term focusing on only one subject and completely blowing off my other classes. I didn't even know where or when they were being held. These dream classes had mysteriously changed location so I couldn't simply look at the original class schedule to find their location and time. Since I had not gone to class I didn't know what to study and it was so late in the term there was no hope of catching up in time. I woke up in such a stew of fear, failure and condemnation that it sometimes took me a while to figure out that it wasn't real. That it was just a dream and I had nothing to worry about. The feelings of failure and dread sometimes hung over me for hours afterward. I knew I wasn't a student any longer but I had so many real life ways I felt like a failure that I felt like I deserved a bad grade in life. I even found myself trying to sort out how I could have done better in the dream--I should have at least cancelled those classes before it was too late!

But the last time was different. It started the same but this time just as I was starting to get into the usual stew I suddenly realized the truth and told my dream self, "but it's not true! You aren't a student anymore! You are done with all that. And what's more, you are not a failure! It's just a bad dream!"

I woke with such a feeling of relief and joy, it felt like when I graduated from Uni back in 1991! I did a few happy dances in my head and high-fived myself several times. The feelings of joy and relief were so strong I felt them all day. Now when I think of it I still want to shout "woo hoo!" and throw my graduation cap up in the air.

I haven't had that anxiety dream since and I think I may have seen the last of it. It's like my subconcious dreamland self finally caught up with reality and walked out of the prison, er, school gates for the last time.

This morning I thought about it again and realized I needed the reminder last night. In addition to reading the blog post I mentioned above, I also read a Christmas letter from a friend. Although I do enjoy hearing from her, she is such a high energy person that her Christmas letters usually make my life seem pathetically dull by comparison.  In fact many of my friends' Christmas letters affect me that way.

But like I said I do enjoy their letters. This year we haven't gotten as many. I started to worry that maybe they think we are too dull and dropped us off their list. Then it occurred to me that maybe they are just too tired. None of us is getting younger. They also may think that since their kids are mostly grown they don't have anything worth writing about.

Most people seem to wear busy-ness as a badge of honor. I think our unthinking compulsion toward busy-ness is a sign of anxiety and maybe even a type of mental illness. If we are too busy we are stressed out. But if we aren't as busy as we used to be we are embarrassed. People who aren't busy, or aren't seen to be by others--which is worse--are told they need to "get a life." Descartes said, "I think, therefore I am." Now he might say, "I'm busy, therefore I am."

Comparing my life with someone else's is not wise (the Apostle Paul said that somewhere). It's true of course. When I compare myself I usually either become discouraged or complacent and proud, maybe even a little judgemental.

Who are you to judge someone else’s servant? To his own master he stands or falls. And he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand. Romans 14:4 (Berean Study Bible)

I love this verse. I remembered the first part. But just now when I looked it up, I really noticed the second part, "And he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand!!" (exclamation points added :-)

Thank you God!

Faith v. Works

I’m on a quest! I’m seeking to understanding God’s grace. When a friend told me about a Bible study on Galatians that had “changed her life,” I recommended it to my ladies small group. I knew that Grace is the main focus of Paul’s letter to the Galatians.

I was raised in churches that seemed to focus a lot on fear: fear of God’s wrath, fear of backsliding, fear of not measuring up, fear of not performing enough to meet “God’s” expectations (or was it really just other peoples’ expectations?). Bottom line: fear of being rejected by God. We were taught, at least what I absorbed, was that we had to work really hard to hang on to our salvation. Maybe I heard it more because I was a highly sensitive kid.

Faith was taught but it was mainly in the context of believing God for physical healing –not as much about simply trusting in Jesus for salvation. Oh we had to do that too, but it didn’t seem to be the main thing and it didn’t seem to be quite enough.

Somehow, despite all that, I really did love God. I even wanted to become a missionary. But I always felt like I never measured up, that God was displeased with me, that he was always about to reject me.

It wasn’t until I was at University and living with Christians from other denominations that I started hearing more about God’s grace. It intrigued me. I wondered if I was missing something. I longed to  understand God’s grace more. Now I realize from my own study of Scripture that salvation by Faith in Jesus Christ alone is THE Main Thing! And it is enough!!

But even though I believe that, I still find myself tending toward fear and legalism. I guess I absorbed it so much for so long it is hard not to default to that. I'm afraid of being too "grace-y."

In fact, it seems like most Christian teachers I’ve met seem to lean that direction too. No one wants to give the impression they are easy on sin. So even if they teach a little about grace they quickly ladle on a generous dose of legalism. They don’t want people to get the “wrong” idea. It seems most Christian teachers don’t really trust God’s Spirit to lead believers. Freedom seems to worry them. Guarding their flocks’ behavior is more important than guarding their freedom.

Paul seemed to have the opposite priority. Protecting the freedom of the believers was a big deal to him. He  wrote the letter to the Galatian believers because he heard they were becoming legalistic and were losing their freedom in Christ. False teachers had convinced them that they had to keep certain rules and regulations in addition to believing in Christ in order to be saved. But Paul said that is no gospel at all! He urged them to get back onto the right path: the path of trusting in Christ alone for their salvation.

This wasn’t the first time their freedom in Christ had been in danger. In Galatians chapter two he relates that during the time he had lived and ministered among them the same thing started happening. But Paul stood against it. He would not give in for a moment. He was so determined that nothing would steal away the truth of the gospel that he was teaching to them that he even took a trip to consult with the apostles in Jerusalem about the problem.

Trips in those days were no small undertaking! It wasn’t just a weekend away. He didn’t have airplanes or smooth super highways to travel on. Google says it would take 230 hours to walk from Turkey (what was Galatia) to Jerusalem. That would take 28 days if you walked 8 hours per day. He may have sailed but I don’t imagine that would be too pleasant or safe either. The point is he went to an enormous amount of effort and risk to protect the believers’ freedom in Christ.

No wonder he was so upset when he wrote the book of Galatians. He had poured out his life to teach them the truth and did everything he could to protect their freedom but they were throwing it away.

I don't want to do that!

Celebrating Christmas

I did finally decorate. Just in time for Christmas.
I'm having fun practicing with my 'new' Olympus camera too.

Some of our ornaments hanging from a beam in our living room. Our little tree doesn't hold them all.

 This is very like the nativity scene my family had when I was a kid. I was thrilled to find it at a 'gift-give-away' at the Wycliffe center early in our marriage.

St. Nicholas the original Santa Claus.

Yes, the candle on the right is a Pilgrim girl. These little candles came from my Mom's house. I remember carefully setting them out each year when I was a kid. They each had their own companion then. I don't know where the others went but I am delighted these two survived anyway.

This nativity scene belonged to my Grandma. My Mom treasured it after it came to her. Now I get to enjoy it.

May you have a blessed Christmas Season and a Happy New Year.

Real pictures from my real life

Despite my determination not to be anxious or perfectionistic, I'm feeling overwhelmed! Some of the "big rocks" seem too big and horrible and I don't want to do them. Meanwhile the little ones are  piling up at record rate.

This morning after breakfast, I gave in to the temptation to enjoy just a little bit more of the latest Sophie Kinsella book I'm reading, "My Not So Perfect Life." I was hoping a little escape and a few more laughs would help me get psyched up to tackle my to-do list. I didn't expect it to work so well or so quickly.

It was this quote from Biddy, one of my favorite characters in the story--the level headed and loving stepmum--that stopped me and got me going at the same time:

"No one's life has to be perfect."...Don't put so much pressure on yourself, love. Whoever started the rumor that life has to be perfect is a very wicked person, if you ask me."

I agree! And just what I needed to hear too.

Katie, Kinsella's heroine, is so desperate to have the perfect life and career and meet everyone's expectations that she even fakes things sometimes. She has a tendency to post fake pictures and make up stories on her favorite social media site to make her life seem better than it really is, a lot better. But when she loses her dream job in the city in a humiliating way and has to move back in with her family in the country that she finally starts to shed some of the fake images she has for herself and really starts living.

With that in mind I would like to share a few real images from my own not so perfect life:

The coffee table where our Christmas tree and miniature train usually are by this time!

The coffee table where our Christmas tree and miniature train usually are by this time!

The only decorating we've done so far this Christmas. John said our trees keep getting smaller.

 

Expectations

I recently realized that much of my life has focused on meeting everyone's expectations--including mine and what I thought were God's.  Of course I couldn't. I can't even meet all my own expectations of myself, let alone what I think others expect of me. That is a key thought: what I think others expect. Chances are what I think they expect isn't really what they expect at all.

But does it really matter what other people expect? The apostle Paul said in Galatians, that if he was still trying to please other people then he would not be a servant of Jesus Christ.

In an attempt to counter my tendency to be ruled by the urge to try and meet everyone's expectations, I am trying to focus instead on the big things. For example, rather than meeting my expectation of always getting the kitchen cleaned and all the dishes washed each morning, I instead think about and pray about what job is most important. It usually is something that takes a fair amount of energy, like shopping. And like shopping it may be something I am reluctant to tackle. I really don't like to shop! (I know that's strange!)

I've been using this approach for several weeks now. It is really helping me get more done. Like the well known illustration, I get more of the big rocks in my jar. Then it's surprising how many of the little ones I still manage to fit in. The dishes do eventually get washed. I may not have a pristine kitchen first thing in the morning, but I am getting more of the truly important things done. I am also having more energy overall. As someone who has struggled with fibromyalgia and other fatigue producing conditions for a long time, that is huge. (And yes, I am praying and hoping for healing!)

Even though I really dislike shopping I found it energized me to get out in the morning and shop. It was probably partly the sunlight that did it. Also the boost in my confidence level when I conquered what felt like an insurmountable task. It helped, I'm sure, that it was partly to buy fun things. Here is a photo of some things I got a few weeks ago for our RV.

I got, among other things, the cute little rugs, the kitchen towel hanging from the oven door handle and the pot holders hanging from the hooks above the stove.

I also got this vacuum: Dirt Devil Power Stick Carpet & Hard Floor 4-in-1 Cyclonic Vacuum for our RV. The vacuum maneuvers well in small awkward spaces. It also has powerful suction which is great for someone, like me, with dust allergies. And it does well on both carpet and hard flooring. There are a few things I don't care for particularly how difficult it is to disconnect the main cleaning head from the stick when switching to one of the other attachments. I also wish it had a dusting brush attachment in addition to the crevice tool. I haven't yet emptied and cleaned the canister so I don't know how difficult that will be. (I didn't receive any discounts or payment for advertising this. I just want to help other newbie RVers such as ourselves.)

Water Forget Me Nots - God is in the details

I photographed these tiny little flowers at the National Rhododendron Garden in Olinda, Victoria, (that's near Melbourne) Australia last year during our furlough.

I found a photo on-line of myosotis scorpioides that looks like my photo, only much more detailed, when I was trying to identify another flower.

Myosotis scorpioides are also called “water forget me nots”. I don’t know why “water”. The ones I saw were not in the water. They were more of a ground cover. So I don’t know if the ones I found are a different variety. Nor can I tell the size. *Mine* were very tiny.

Anyway I love the intricate detailing on the flowers. At first glance they are just simple little blue flowers. But when I looked closer I noticed detailing that reminded me of intricate embroidery or finely embossed stationery. They made a delightful contrast to the large showy flowers on this colossal rhododendron bush they were across from.

Here is a close up of one of those flowers:

Also beautiful of course! But I especially like tiny flowers. 

I've always loved miniature things. 

"God is in the details" a friend once said and tiny flowers are a good example of that. To lavish so much of his creative energy and expertise on something that most people never notice, and may even walk on without realizing it, amazes me. 

When I say 'no'...

I wrote the following several weeks ago. It was Spring and now it's Summer. I fully intended to post this. But I wanted to add a few more photos. Then it was time to make dinner and then before I know it two months roll around... sigh.

I really do want to get back to blogging. So here it is... "When I say 'no'":

I keep waiting for that magical moment when everything will come together and I'll know this is the time to blog again. Ever since we got back from furlough I keep hoping I'll feel all caught up and completely settled. Then the Red Sea will part before me and a yellow brick road will appear and I'll know this is the way walk ye in it, or something. It just occurred to me that's not likely to happen. Ever. If I don't just start then I never will. There will never be a time until I die when I am all caught up. In fact every time we return from furlough there is always some stuff that never gets dealt with. Some pocket of left-over papers that never get sorted, filed or acted on. In fact I usually eventually put them away. I hope to get to them sometime, but instead eventually forget about them until next furlough rolls around. So maybe they weren't that important after all!

I seem to be surrounded by over-achievers who fill up all their time and mine too if I let them, and I usually do. (My husband is no help either. I was hoping when we married that he would help set boundaries and protect me from myself. But he is worse than I am.) Then there's the unexpected people, like yesterday when E asked me for a ride. I should have looked at the clock more closely. I thought I had enough time to get her to DeSoto and still make it to my appointment in Plano. Then I realized after we were on our way that it was not looking too good. Why is it that my brain goes to jelly when people ask me for help. It's not like she was bleeding to death or something. No one was going to die if I said, "no". Anyway I did somehow make it to my appointment. But only because I drove like the proverbial bat.

So now that I am finally writing, what should I write about?

Recently I had a discussion about sin with my friend S. Particularly sins we tolerate. We Christians are pretty good at spotting some kinds of sins but sometimes miss others and don't realize they even are sins. Or we don't think they are very bad. I realized later I've been tolerating too much ingratitude in myself recently. I still write in my thankfulness journal most days. But the rest of the time my attitude has been more grumbly than grateful. If I remember right God has some pretty strong things to say about that. In fact one could say he is fairly intolerant of grumbling. Didn't he send some plagues because of it? Anyway, I admit my attitude is stinky. Sorry, God.

Then I realized that I may be even less likely to get what I want from a certain person if I stay mad and cranky. Of course he can't read my mind, so I need to tell him what I want. Saying what I want when it means saying 'no' and going against the stream of others' expectations is really hard for me. I even read the book "When I say no I feel guilty" but i still feel guilty when I say no! It seems like at my age I would have grown past this wimpy-ness by now. Sigh

Help!

Here are some photos from our time in Australia. I took these several months ago. It was Spring there then. It is Spring here now, so I guess that works.

These cute little puff balls are Wattle Tree blossoms. at the Wycliffe Center in Kangaroo Ground, Victoria

Saw these in a private garden near Brisbane. Yes it bugs me too that I don't know the name of them.

Galah in flight at a park in Brisbane

Yarra River, hiking in Warrandyte State Park, Victoria

flowering bush outside our front door at Kangaroo Ground

Another bush outside our Kangaroo Ground unit. I don't know the name of either one.

At the National Rhododendron Gardens near Melbourne.