Last night I read a blog I follow. She described a recurring "anxiety dream" she has. It was so similar to one I have periodically, that I had to laugh.
In my recurring dream, or I should say, nightmare, I was a student approaching finals week. I suddenly realized, in the dream, that I was completely unprepared. Unlike my real life student self (when I was one that is) I had apparently spent the term focusing on only one subject and completely blowing off my other classes. I didn't even know where or when they were being held. These dream classes had mysteriously changed location so I couldn't simply look at the original class schedule to find their location and time. Since I had not gone to class I didn't know what to study and it was so late in the term there was no hope of catching up in time. I woke up in such a stew of fear, failure and condemnation that it sometimes took me a while to figure out that it wasn't real. That it was just a dream and I had nothing to worry about. The feelings of failure and dread sometimes hung over me for hours afterward. I knew I wasn't a student any longer but I had so many real life ways I felt like a failure that I felt like I deserved a bad grade in life. I even found myself trying to sort out how I could have done better in the dream--I should have at least cancelled those classes before it was too late!
But the last time was different. It started the same but this time just as I was starting to get into the usual stew I suddenly realized the truth and told my dream self, "but it's not true! You aren't a student anymore! You are done with all that. And what's more, you are not a failure! It's just a bad dream!"
I woke with such a feeling of relief and joy, it felt like when I graduated from Uni back in 1991! I did a few happy dances in my head and high-fived myself several times. The feelings of joy and relief were so strong I felt them all day. Now when I think of it I still want to shout "woo hoo!" and throw my graduation cap up in the air.
I haven't had that anxiety dream since and I think I may have seen the last of it. It's like my subconcious dreamland self finally caught up with reality and walked out of the prison, er, school gates for the last time.
This morning I thought about it again and realized I needed the reminder last night. In addition to reading the blog post I mentioned above, I also read a Christmas letter from a friend. Although I do enjoy hearing from her, she is such a high energy person that her Christmas letters usually make my life seem pathetically dull by comparison. In fact many of my friends' Christmas letters affect me that way.
But like I said I do enjoy their letters. This year we haven't gotten as many. I started to worry that maybe they think we are too dull and dropped us off their list. Then it occurred to me that maybe they are just too tired. None of us is getting younger. They also may think that since their kids are mostly grown they don't have anything worth writing about.
Most people seem to wear busy-ness as a badge of honor. I think our unthinking compulsion toward busy-ness is a sign of anxiety and maybe even a type of mental illness. If we are too busy we are stressed out. But if we aren't as busy as we used to be we are embarrassed. People who aren't busy, or aren't seen to be by others--which is worse--are told they need to "get a life." Descartes said, "I think, therefore I am." Now he might say, "I'm busy, therefore I am."
Comparing my life with someone else's is not wise (the Apostle Paul said that somewhere). It's true of course. When I compare myself I usually either become discouraged or complacent and proud, maybe even a little judgemental.
Who are you to judge someone else’s servant? To his own master he stands or falls. And he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand. Romans 14:4 (Berean Study Bible)
I love this verse. I remembered the first part. But just now when I looked it up, I really noticed the second part, "And he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand!!" (exclamation points added :-)
Thank you God!
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