To-do list angst

Despite all my gains in understanding grace and getting free from trying to meet everyone’s expectations I still find myself getting too uptight about all the things I need to do. And when something goes wrong and it seems time has been wasted I still sometimes go ballistic. I feel driven most of the time. I realized yesterday that I am acting like a cruel tyrannical employer toward myself. Of course that quickly leads to my then feeling like a demoralized employee.

My To-Do list has an annoying number of things that seem stuck there, like so many burs. I was pleasantly surprised yesterday when I looked at the completed items in my To-do list app (Wunderlist). It was an encouragingly large number. And that is only part of the things I have accomplished since I started using that app, as I still mostly put reminders about to-do items on the kitchen table. Then, when we work on whatever jigsaw puzzle we have going they get cleared off, usually by my husband who puts them in various seemingly random places. It is a wonder I don’t forget more things. Anyway, the point is I really do get most things done that really have to get done. And of course there are dozens of things that never make it on any to-do list. Things like: cook, exercise, make the bed, take care of my husband’s needs ;-), tidy, wash dishes, laundry…

So why do I feel so stressed?

Why can’t I give myself more positive feedback.

I have been getting more done in recent months and am generally happier, but I still find myself slipping into the same old patterns of being driven by fear and anxiety.

Would it help to celebrate my accomplishments more? Mothers give kids stickers and make a big deal when their kids accomplish things. At least I’ve heard that’s what they do. My Mom never did. Maybe that’s what’s wrong with me! Maybe I should give myself stickers--well not really stickers, but some sort of positive feedback when I do something.

The Wunderlist app I’m using makes a pleasant little ping when I check something off. That’s always a nice feeling. But I’m not likely to put everything I do on my to-do list first just so I can check it off: have lunch, check- ping; put away food, check- ping; clear table, check- ping; wipe crumbs off table, check… I don’t think so!!

So what is the answer? Maybe I could try checking in with God throughout my day more often. I could pray and thank him for helping me to accomplish the last thing and ask him what he wants me to do next. Sometimes I could just spend a little extra time basking in his presence until I move on to the next thing. Sounds wonderful. Almost luxuriant. Just the thought of it makes me feel more relaxed already.

Sounds a little like Brother Lawrence in The Practice of the Presence of God. Maybe I could add re-reading that to my to-do list!

Really though, I think part of the idea was that he saw everything as sacred. Someone said somewhere we should do everything as unto the Lord. I remember trying that at one particularly stressful job many years ago. It helped for the first few minutes but then I got caught up in the craziness of the moment again and forgot. But now I am not working for a demanding boss nor do I have customers breathing down my neck for their print jobs. So I should be able to do it at least sometimes. When I remember that is.